I am struggling to get over an abusive relationship. I have spent months since the end in July trying to figure out what I did wrong. The man I dated for a year is a humanitarian, he is part owner in a consulting firm in Africa. He gives corporate talks about leadership and he seems like a very insightful and kind man. We met in a very romantic comedy way. We ran into each other randomly on the streets of New York after not seeing each other for 10 years. We had an extremely romantic long distance few months, he was open, and caring, loving, and seemingly empathetic. Then we decided to try and live to together. I moved in with him in Africa.

As soon as he bought the tickets for me to move in with him in Africa he suddenly changed the style of his communication with me. However it was subtle, he became emotionally distant. He began belittling me while simultaneously complimenting me. I became extremely confused. He would tell me he loved me if our relationship could be lighter and more fun. He said he wanted to be with me if we could just enjoy ourselves. He said he has never hit anyone except for me. He said our chemistry is bad that’s why he is behaving this way. He would tell me I am worth it but barely speak to me.

He did not yell at me he would become silent. Small things would anger him almost every night, but he would not communicate what those were clearly. He would shut down for an entire evening, sometimes days after a small argument. At the beginning he loved who I was he laughed at our flaws. After he made a commitment by purchasing the plane tickets, he began to act as if I were smaller than him. And my natural insecurities disgusted him. He belittled me, shut me out and silenced me.

I told him over and over I feel like I have tape over my mouth. I told him it feels like I have to prove myself to you. He physically shook me and slapped me. I have spent months feeling that I am at fault because I have a difficult past and know I am not a happy go lucky women. But I am finally starting to realize this is his problem. I love him still so I feel like something is wrong with me. I accepted him for who he was, and I am not sure he realizes his behavior.

I’ve been married 25 years. My husband was attentive prior to the marriage, and immediately after it changed. I ended up accepting that I was the problem. I was too dependent and that his complete independence was the “normal” thing because I came from a divorced family and his parents were together. The first year of our marriage we were apart daily from 4am to 8 in the evening. We were both done with our day by 5 pm, but his priority was not coming home to his wife, it was weightlifting an additional 3 hours a night with his buddies three or more times a week.

Over the years I caught him several times with pornography and went through the whole policing him issue until I realized — with the help of therapy — that I was searching for an excuse as to why he treated me so badly. I thought if I could find out why he was treating me badly I could somehow help the relationship. Now I know that when women want to know why someone treats them badly, they are overlooking the simple fact that abuse is abuse and there is no acceptable cause for it. The why doesn’t matter. The behavior does.

No one should be able to treat you badly for any reason, so policing them to find out if it is a porn problem, cheating problem, etc. only prevents you from seeing that regardless of what is causing it, you are being abused and the cause shouldn’t change your reaction to being abused.

His mother was extremely controlling. She talked me out of the degree I wanted and into a degree that she wanted me to have. She went as far as to say that my degree choice (linguistics) would be useless unless I lived on Wall Street. I gave into her pressure. I wish I had been brave enough to stand up for myself. I did graduate and get the degree, but I am so resentful of her. It’s a degree that requires the use of your hands as well which I can no longer use due to carpal tunnel so I am rendered useless financially when it comes to that degree.

For 25 years my husband will often speak for me if a question is directed at me. I hate that! He has 99% of the time told me what I think when we’re arguing — and it’s never been right. He yells to stonewall when we are in an argument so I will shut up. He has always had an excuse why he can’t spend time with me — school studies, work, busy with anything that he claims is more important.

When we had young children, he did next to nothing to participate in their care, until he was forced to care for the third one due to another child becoming severely ill. It’s the only one he bonded with and he spoils him far more than the others. He is frugal to the point of telling me he doesn’t want me to buy Tostitos because they cost too much or the loaf of bread I prefer (which is not gourmet.) He makes six figures.

He has allowed his parents to cross boundaries and will discuss our finances and what he should do with them without even talking to me. He has called me f’g b—-, crazy, bipolar more times than I can count and a whore once — the only name he ever took back because he knew 100% he couldn’t make me believe that one, but over time you start to believe maybe the others are true.

If one of my sibling’s life was messed up, he was bound to use that against me too as if I were them. He has put his hands around my neck three times, grabbed my wrists multiple times — leaving marks — wouldn’t let me enter the house through garage door which meant he was pushing me down the three or four concrete steps and I had to grab the door frame to prevent myself from falling. He has pushed me into the window blinds, chased me down the stairs when I tried to get away from him. The last time he pushed me, he used the excuse that I was going for him, which was 100% false. I had no intention of going for him. I was sitting down on the bed. He was standing.

Because he’s put his hands on me less than 15 times our whole marriage, I somehow think it’s not justifiable for me to leave and our children are so damaged already that I keep thinking divorce will damage them even more. My adult children now share some of his abusive behaviors and I am sick about it. When we are with the kids, he will patronize me and he’s now able to get them in on the action because he disguises it as teasing or sarcasm so they think it’s benign. He didn’t discipline the kids at all or have any expectations of them, though he yelled at them plenty when they were young, — including when one of them cut their head open in a pillow fight. Rather than comfort them, he was busy yelling, “You have to be careful!!!” and various other phrases designed to let them know how stupid they were for doing that.

We have one child left in the home. He says he can’t hear me when I’m talking to him or that I need to approach him and say, “Hey, I’d like to communicate.” He wants me to point out to him that I’m conversing with him even with conversations had in passing. So every conversation (informal or not) must be preceded by asking him if we can communicate, otherwise he says he has no idea I’m talking to him.

However, when my daughter and I talk alone in the room downstairs, he will get up from his desk upstairs and come downstairs to butt into our conversations. He won’t allow us to have a conversation without his presence. He says he just wants to be included, but why is it he wants to be included in our conversation while he completely disregards the conversation I have with him or pretends not to know I’m talking to him? These conversations occur in the same areas of the house. He can hear my daughter but not me? Really?

He will come in the door from work and say hello and then immediately begin talking to one of the children as if I don’t exist. This would be fine if it weren’t his daily pattern to acknowledge me for one second and then act as though I’m the most uninteresting of the bunch by ignoring me. He’s even interrupted face-to-face conversations with him and begun talking to one of my other children right when I’m in the middle of a sentence. He has no time to talk to me, but he has plenty of time to research for a couple of hours how to write a referral letter for a female colleague.

Yet in the past he complained about anything that took him away from doing what he wanted. Now he’s all too happy to do it. I must admit that issue is causing me a lot of angst. At church, he’s acting like a saint. This makes me want to avoid church because I can’t stand to know that people interpret him as such a religious guy all the while he dishes out abuse and abandonment at home. This has made me feel like the black sheep now in church.

He believes arguments are about winning, so his ultimate goal is to not let me win. I don’t think of an argument as winning or losing. I think of it as understanding and compromising. He’s complained about the frequency of sex since the 2nd year of our marriage, and when the frequency goes up, he complains that he’s bored with it. I feel there is something seriously wrong with him because there is no end to his upping the ante of moves he wants to do and if I’m uncomfortable with something, he doesn’t care. He will continue to nag me about it and then call me names if I don’t concede or begin withholding.

He rarely did anything with his boys unless it was something he wanted to do. If they didn’t want to do what he wanted, he just went without them or didn’t take them at all. He’s done very little with them in the way of father-son time together. Eventually they had no interest in spending time with their dad.

When I have an idea, 99% of the time he will tell me why it’s not a good idea or if I have an opinion, he’s bound to choose exactly the opposite. During the few times he’s asked for and taken my advice, it’s like he has a five-minute limit, and then he shuts me down. My opinions and thoughts are essentially a dart board for him. He will rush to open a door for a woman in public but when we are alone he makes little effort for me.

Though my policing of him has stopped, I don’t believe his porn issues have, the reason being every time I did police him I caught him with porn. He wants me to believe that he magically cured himself of an addiction 20 years old. Of course he’s never admitted he has an addiction. I found out as well that he had this problem before we were married. That would have been helpful prior to the marriage. His parents have crippled all of their children by not teaching them how to survive without them and proud of their own accomplishments. Instead their kids are jealous of gifts or money each one gets from their parents.

I am scared to death of my future. I’m 47 now and I just keep thinking how my cowardice has ruined my life.

I was in a 21 year marriage that slowly developed into a constant cycle of emotional abuse. I attributed it to my ex’s dependence on alcohol. And did everything to help him recognise and resolve these issues so that we could have a healthy relationship together. What I failed to know was that the personality beneath was the real issue.

Having children was intended to make him a more responsible partner out of desperation, but backfired badly. I became severely depressed as a result. His abuse was an enduring, constant daily and nightly onslaught.

The last seven years have been unbearable. At one point I considered my own suicide and the death of my two children as a means to escape. But I finally found the strength to end my relationship, although we still shared the same property for a further 5 years. I moved out at the beginning of this year 2015. And it was the best decision I ever made.

These last few months I have been in a new relationship. With a man who started out as perfectly charming. Too good to be true in fact. Overwhelmingly keen to commit. Then aloof. Now cold, crude, selfish and disrespectful. This weekend a friend told me he is cheating on me, so I raise this with him. First denial. Then accusations that I am making it all up. When I raise my overall concerns in his behaviour, he says it’s all in my head. That he has done nothing wrong. That all this bad feeling is down to me. And I realise that I am beginning to not know what is him and what is me any more.

Fortunately I have some great friends who support me and reassure me that this man is abusive. Regardless of the cheating which is word against word, his other behaviours are concerning and enough in itself to end things.

I start a Pattern Changing programme in a few weeks time. I happened to come across SpeakOutLoud when I searched “when unable to trust a partner what is left” and got Tactic #6 Emotional Unkindness and Violation of Trust and then I just kept on reading….

Thank you Clare Murphy for an amazing resource for abuse and the continual personal guidance that you provide through this site. So many of us suffer and continue to suffer. I so want to break the cycle. I lack trust in myself. My radar is broken. But I hope to fix this and very very soon xx

my husband did this as well and it took me a while to realize that it is because he sees illness as a weakness, and controlling men see you as an extension of them. They in some sick way think they are you, which is why they always tell you what you meant or thought or were going to say even when they are most often wrong. So when you are sick, they somehow think they are sick. Obviously if they deny your illness then they somehow believe it will just go away. If your husband is like mine, he won’t take any advice from anyone. He’ll “jump over dollars to pick up nickels” just to avoid having anyone else tell him what to do. His father was similar. His mother told me that his father got sand in his eyes once at a baseball game and she told him he should put eyedrops in his eyes. Of course, his response was to completely disregard her advice and make her feel stupid for giving that advice at all. Heaven knows if he had put eyedrops in, he must have felt he somehow would be giving up all control over his life. Makes no sense to me whatsoever but that’s how far they go just to maintain control — even over stupid things.

I am trying to figure out if the man I married is abusive or if I am not being a good enough wife. Since getting married I have realized he drinks daily before coming home. He buys alcohol and hides how much he drinks. Comes home and falls asleep after dinner and sometimes before. He denies he has an alcohol problem, will not get help and will not quit. Anytime I try to ask him for help he is passive aggressive. Usually will say yes to doing it but then sits down, doesn’t do it and sometimes does later and sometimes forgets.

When I try to tell him how I am feeling he can get very unkind with his words and state all I do is complain. If he is upset I get the silent treatment. Now he is trying to get others to judge me because I moved my bedroom to an extra room in the house to prevent the arguing in front of kids.

He is trying to make me look like I am abusive because of moving my room and because I do at times say unkind words back. He will not tell others how he treats me so tries to make it look like I am the unkind one. I try so hard not to say unkind words but I do get provoked at times. But I never let it go more than a word or two and I make sure it stops by leaving the room or distancing myself until he calms down.

I keep searching websites and the bible on how to be loving to an unloving husband and I just am not figuring this out. We have children and I can’t leave them with their drunk dad so I have to stay until they are grown. Any suggestions?

How can a man go from being so perfect to a nightmare in just 4 weeks?
I’ve been seeing a guy 2 years, living with a year.
For the past 7 months every 4 weeks we split up it’s crazy! Starts with him crying / begging me back – promising it won’t happen again – I’m his world – never met any one like me – crazy in love – I’m beautiful etc. etc.
He’s just perfect for 3 weeks then cracks start from him giving me silence treatment – I can feel tension – he will say his piece with an attitude, I will explain in a quiet voice it’s not me it’s you ..
He then raises his voice blaming everything on me, then screaming in my face with gritted teeth – clenching his fist, calling me a c **t and other names – I keep silent not to upset him but that makes him worse – if I say anything that also makes him worse. He’s thrown me about in the past, got in my face in an aggressive manner in front of my kids. Controlling, can’t have friends. He doesn’t like my eldest child coming round I can feel it. And each time I kick him out feel strong he begs – cries – pleads – to start all over again. I feel so drained kicked him out once again blocked him as I always do but he uses other phones. I need to stop this. I know I do, but why am I so stupid to let him back?