I was in a 21 year marriage that slowly developed into a constant cycle of emotional abuse

I was in a 21 year marriage that slowly developed into a constant cycle of emotional abuse. I attributed it to my ex’s dependence on alcohol. And did everything to help him recognise and resolve these issues so that we could have a healthy relationship together. What I failed to know was that the personality beneath was the real issue.

Having children was intended to make him a more responsible partner out of desperation, but backfired badly. I became severely depressed as a result. His abuse was an enduring, constant daily and nightly onslaught.

The last seven years have been unbearable. At one point I considered my own suicide and the death of my two children as a means to escape. But I finally found the strength to end my relationship, although we still shared the same property for a further 5 years. I moved out at the beginning of this year 2015. And it was the best decision I ever made.

These last few months I have been in a new relationship. With a man who started out as perfectly charming. Too good to be true in fact. Overwhelmingly keen to commit. Then aloof. Now cold, crude, selfish and disrespectful. This weekend a friend told me he is cheating on me, so I raise this with him. First denial. Then accusations that I am making it all up. When I raise my overall concerns in his behaviour, he says it’s all in my head. That he has done nothing wrong. That all this bad feeling is down to me. And I realise that I am beginning to not know what is him and what is me any more.

Fortunately I have some great friends who support me and reassure me that this man is abusive. Regardless of the cheating which is word against word, his other behaviours are concerning and enough in itself to end things.

I start a Pattern Changing programme in a few weeks time. I happened to come across SpeakOutLoud when I searched “when unable to trust a partner what is left” and got Tactic #6 Emotional Unkindness and Violation of Trust and then I just kept on reading….

Thank you Clare Murphy for an amazing resource for abuse and the continual personal guidance that you provide through this site. So many of us suffer and continue to suffer. I so want to break the cycle. I lack trust in myself. My radar is broken. But I hope to fix this and very very soon xx