I am struggling to get over an abusive relationship.

I am struggling to get over an abusive relationship. I have spent months since the end in July trying to figure out what I did wrong. The man I dated for a year is a humanitarian, he is part owner in a consulting firm in Africa. He gives corporate talks about leadership and he seems like a very insightful and kind man. We met in a very romantic comedy way. We ran into each other randomly on the streets of New York after not seeing each other for 10 years. We had an extremely romantic long distance few months, he was open, and caring, loving, and seemingly empathetic. Then we decided to try and live to together. I moved in with him in Africa.

As soon as he bought the tickets for me to move in with him in Africa he suddenly changed the style of his communication with me. However it was subtle, he became emotionally distant. He began belittling me while simultaneously complimenting me. I became extremely confused. He would tell me he loved me if our relationship could be lighter and more fun. He said he wanted to be with me if we could just enjoy ourselves. He said he has never hit anyone except for me. He said our chemistry is bad that’s why he is behaving this way. He would tell me I am worth it but barely speak to me.

He did not yell at me he would become silent. Small things would anger him almost every night, but he would not communicate what those were clearly. He would shut down for an entire evening, sometimes days after a small argument. At the beginning he loved who I was he laughed at our flaws. After he made a commitment by purchasing the plane tickets, he began to act as if I were smaller than him. And my natural insecurities disgusted him. He belittled me, shut me out and silenced me.

I told him over and over I feel like I have tape over my mouth. I told him it feels like I have to prove myself to you. He physically shook me and slapped me. I have spent months feeling that I am at fault because I have a difficult past and know I am not a happy go lucky women. But I am finally starting to realize this is his problem. I love him still so I feel like something is wrong with me. I accepted him for who he was, and I am not sure he realizes his behavior.